So I have started and stopped writing this post for a long time now. I’ve been absent the past month or so. I wish I could say that it was because I was traveling the world on my private yacht. Hiding away in quiet coves with white sands soaking up the sun and feeling the ocean spray on my face. Boy do I wish….. unfortunately I was not. I have been sitting here at home dealing with one word. Depression. And damn, it really sucks.
I know that there are a lot of people out there that suffer with this condition. And for those of you out there. I get it. I understand. I believe.
In the last month I have spent so much time alone. Wanting to be alone yet dying of loneliness. Crying. Panicking. Fear. Anxiety. Sadness. Questioning every relationship. Wondering when it will pass. IF it will pass. Waiting, knowing that life was going to collapse around me. Yet all the time knowing in the back of my head that this was not real. That all my uncertainties and questions and insecurities were unfounded. That this was just a moment in time sure to pass. Eventually.
I struggled daily with absolutely everything. Waking up and staying awake. Showering. Brushing my teeth and hair. Cleaning….. that’s a big one. And the worse I got. The worse it got. I felt so overwhelmed every single time I walked into the kitchen. Dishes needed to be done and I needed help. I finally got the words out to ask for help and felt like I got none. And everyone has their own excuses as to why they didn’t help. Most of which make sense except when you are begging for the ones you go out of your way to help to help you. It only made things worse. Then the anger and resentment kicked in. My own children couldn’t be bothered to help only to treat me as their own housekeeper and chef. Expect everything and give nearly nothing in return. And the truth about that? My 18 and 19 year old still living at home and expecting me to do all that for them are that way a lot. That isn’t something that I just see while I’m having a bad moment in time with my own depression. They are selfish kids that I do feel a lot of the time don’t value me or what they have. But that is all for another discussion.
These feelings right here are the reason that I started this blog. Not quite so much about the cooking. But about my life and my journey. My ups, downs and in betweens. And to show others what real honest to goodness dealing daily with this can be like. And hopefully to help myself along the way with my thoughts and feelings. When you have to sit down and write everything out it can be therapeutic.
Then when you enter in the fact that I am at the age of pre menopause, it can be almost more than I can take.
I think that sometimes the only thing that gets me through it all is that I understand enough that as my son learned in the Navy during boot camp and having a hard time, “This too shall pass”. And it will get better. Not for good but at least for a time. And then it will get worse but that will pass too.
The main point to me writing this and opening up is that people out there no matter what the social setting is, there are people out there struggling. Not saying anything. Suffering and hurting in silence. Sometimes out of shame. Sometimes out of loneliness or fear or shame.
So, in your day to day lives, be kind. Treat those that you love with kindness, care and concern. And strangers too. A random act of kindness done at the right time can make of a difference than you may ever know.
Friends or family members that you notice have gone quiet, check on them. Give them a hand or hug. Let them know you love them and care. Listen to them. Don’t try to solve their problems, just let them talk to you and be an ear. Telling someone “cheer up” or “everything will get better” or “look at the bright side” etc are some of the worst things you can tell someone. It never helps. It will shut someone down quicker than a dog eating a piece of raw meat.
The point my friends is keep an open and compassionate mind. Be aware of your loved ones and love them with tenderness.
Thanks for listening.
♥ D ♥
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